Funny Bitch

Life can be funny. And not just for humans.

by Robert Roy Britt

Studies by various groups suggest monkeys, dogs and even rats love a good laugh. People, meanwhile, have been laughing since before they could talk.

"Indeed, neural circuits for laughter exist in very ancient regions of the brain, and ancestral forms of play and laughter existed in other animals eons before we humans came along with our 'ha-ha-has' and verbal repartee," says Jaak Panksepp, a neuroscientist at Bowling Green State University.

When chimps play and chase each other, they pant in a manner that is strikingly like human laughter, Panksepp writes in the April 1 issue of the journal Science. Dogs have a similar response.

Rats chirp while they play, again in a way that resembles our giggles. Panksepp found in a previous study that when rats are playfully tickled, they chirp and bond socially with their human tickler. And they seem to like it, seeking to be tickled more. Apparently joyful rats also preferred to hang out with other chirpers.

Laughter in humans starts young, another clue that it's a deep-seated brain function.

"Young children, whose semantic sense of humor is marginal, laugh and shriek abundantly in the midst of their other rough-and-tumble activities," Panksepp notes.

Importantly, various recent studies on the topic suggest that laughter in animals typically involves similar play chasing. Could be that verbal jokes tickle ancient, playful circuits in our brains.

More study is needed to figure out whether animals are really laughing. The results could explain why humans like to joke around. And Panksepp speculates it might even lead to the development of treatments for laughter's dark side: depression.

Meanwhile, there's the question of what's so darn funny in the animal world.

"Although no one has investigated the possibility of rat humor, if it exists, it is likely to be heavily laced with slapstick," Panksepp figures. "Even if adult rodents have no well-developed cognitive sense of humor, young rats have a marvelous sense of fun."

Science has traditionally deemed animals incapable of joy and woe.

Panksepp's response: "Although some still regard laughter as a uniquely human trait, honed in the Pleistocene, the joke's on them."

Sweet Jesus

From the disturbed mind of Rob Brackenridge comes this sweet treat. Try the one with raspberry filling for that stigmata effect.

It's Sacralicious!

Going, going...

Oh I wish I was Saint Peter right now. Would I be licking my chops or what? I've got a two headed coin.

I call tails!

Zero Mostel's lips, or Spalding Gray's butt?

With all the choices wealthy child molesters have, what does a girl wear to court these days?

I'd wear the Humphrey Bogart nose with the Eddy Arnold ears. But would that clash? How bout the Richard Simmonds eye brows and the Lucille Ball arm pit? That's it!

Bye Bye Barney

Barney Martin Died of cancer today. He was 82.
I ate lunch with Barney on the set of Seinfeld back in 1997.
Nice guy. Had chicken and squash.

So long Morty.

The Adventures of Kong Loot - Private Eye

Kong Loot, in - Swift Kick My Eye or Flipper Phone Out Order

\To be read like Sergeant Friday with Chinese accent.

Phoenix Arizona China, 1914

08:00, Water is cold. I see shark in distance. No matter, I know Swift Kick. Kill shark 'like that'! I swim slowly but swiftly to waters edge. I grab my spy periscope. Size of match stick. Very sophisticated. Too small to use. I lift my head out of water. There it is. In the dawns early lye I see the stucture, reaching out to me as if I were there. The Adobe Dairy Hotel. Of course surrounded by hit men. Dill Soal Gunt, Jim Peep, Con Soou. I know them all.

Dipping back into water I await my orders. Will I be told to storm the building? Or will I get to go home. Only time will tell. Suddenly, my flipper spy phone rings. I try to answer but flipper wont come off foot. I look back and see shark swimming towards me. He's in full tooth mode. With every second shark comes closer. Swift Kick wont work with flipper spy phone on. The ringing is attracting him. He draws nearer. I try speaker flipper spy phone, "Hello, sit low dim sum heel sou soup gan sip lip". Password too long, shark only inches away. Flip phone says, "Sorry, wrong number". Shark rips off flipper phone and foot. "Yeow"! My foot is gone but shark still here. Then, it dawns on me. Without flipper phone, swift kick no problem. With bloody stump I kick wild beast back into ocean. "HI". Just like that, shark dead. Swift Kick. No problem.

09:02, Gunfire. With all the commotion hit man sees me. I start digging hole in sand but too late. Hit man hit me on back of neck. Ducks, flying in circles around my crib. My bottle is empty and the ducks are blowing buggles in my face. I want new bottle. Ducks going faster.

09:03, I wake up in penthouse suite. Chum Hin Love's assistant, Lame Long Lee, is standing over me. "Kong Loot"? How did he know my name? "Is this what your looking for"? He held out the map. Thinking quickly I replied,"No"! This is not what I'm looking for". No Siree Bob". They bummed out and left, I caught cab back to Lamont's for some ice cream and cake.

Confucius say, "Pool man once, shame on Jee, pool man nice, Lame Long Lee!

That's it! Lame Long Lee! It's not over. I must go back. No time to lose. Not over till fat lady singing.

Next Week...........

People die everyday.

Enough is enough! Good grief.

I can see you

Have you ever read the bible? Jesus is in the bible. I read Moby Dick. I think it's fatter than the bible. I read it when I was 17. All my friends were reading it. Something about a whale. My Grandfather said it was the best book ever written. Next to the bible of course. There's a whale in the bible too. Some guy fell in it. Some guy fell in a whale. That's good reading. Some other guy built a boat and saved a bunch of animals too. That's cool.

I just finished 'Getting Even' by Woody Allen. It was written in 1966. I like it better than the bible cause it's funny. Although some guy falling into a whale is funny. Some guy.

Lookout you fawkers

Beware in Portland

Look for my good friend Rob Brackenridge at Harvey's Comedy Club March 22nd - 27th. Harvey's is located at, 6th and Glisan right in downtown Portland.

Rob's a funny guy. Almost as funny as me. Doesn't spin plates though.

Let me know if you can go and I'll try and get you on the guest list. And no heckling you fawkers.

Dave Russo

Dave Russo is the Entertainer

Check out my buddy Dave Russo on 'The Entertainer' on the E channel tonight. He can't tell me but I think he won. He offered to buy me a drink. Huge tip off. He hasn't bought me a drink in the last 6 years.

I'm so fucking jealous I could chew my own arm off.

You owe me 10 grand.

Little fucker.

Rat Bastard

Screw steroids, lets teach our kids to be rat bastards!

Listen, everyone cheats. People cheat in business, relationships, school and even cards. I'm not saying that cheating is good but ye who cast the first stone lives on a glass couch. This is earth. Not some whack christian heaven. Shit happens. The MLB needs to check these overpaid buttheads and put an end to steroid use. Meantime, what do we do about this rat bastard? Don't buy his book for one.

If everyone rated out their "friends" for cheating on stuff this world would be, well, like a christian heaven I guess. Fuck that. I plan to be at the bar in hell.

Rat!

The Adventures of Kong Loot - Private Eye

Kong Loot, In - Chum Hin Lovely

To be read like sergeant Friday with Chinese accent.

Today I spotted Chum Hin Love. He was riding a bike into secret cave on east side of town. He thought no one saw him. I saw him. It was 9:17am.

I waited outside cave for 16 days. I ate nothing but slugs and turtles. There was a McDonald across the street but I don't eat fast food. At last he emerged. He was wearing gold earrings. I yelled out "Hey"! Then ducked down behind a thin stick. No response. I yelled out"Hey" again. This time I jumped up at same time I yelled. Then, hid behind the stick. No response. I decided to stay put. I thought maybe he was just pretending not to hear me. He was. Before I knew it he had shot me in the leg and ran down the hill. Damn I said. Damn.

10:04pm I was released from the hospital. The bullet only grazed my knee. I now walk with slight limp. Just like before I was shot. I now had to manage two limps. No problem. No problem at all.

I took Taxi to office. Miss. Yohyo was waiting for me. She was tall woman. She had glass eye and she was smoking cigarette in a holder. I said "Allow me", I reached over to light her cigarette. But it was already lit. She looked at me, I looked at her. We sat down. "I hear your looking for Chum Hin Love", she proclaimed. I said, "What"? "I Said, looking for Chum Hin Love"? She yelled. I wondered why she was yelling. Maybe she is hard of hearing. Or maybe she is hard of speaking softly. As I wondered I caught her nervously looking at the air conditioning vent. Then it dawned on me. She was hot. Very hot. I looked into her one good eye. "You know where he is"? She stood up. "follow me" she said.

14:00, I arrived at Yohyo's penthouse. It was up town. Right next to the 'Adobo', Singapore most sophisticated night club. I rode the elevator with her. "Number 12" she said. I pushed the button. How was I to know what would come next. The doors opened, inside were two Chinese hit men. Sing High Flute and Bo Con Flute. The Flute brothers. I grabbed my gun, but it was too late. Before I knew it I was on the floor with Sing High's foot on my throat. "You must leave town" said Sing. "You must leave town and never come back". I was speechless. Because his foot was on my throat. Bo struck me with his gun. The next thing I knew I was in trash bin on south side of town. My first thoughts was to flee. But, I knew I could not. So I fled.

9:00, I arrived at Parkview, parkview. It was a park, with a view. There were three young woman playing in a field. And there it was. The view I spent the last five days trying to find. A view of a young girls colon. Inside were the keys I've been looking for. The keys to Chum's Adobe Dairy Hotel in south Singapore. Finally a break. Finally!

More to come.

Next week.........

Just my luck

I've got to tell you, I think I've just about had enough. Yesterday I lost my job digging ditches. Three days before that my cat committed suicide. Now, my 'new' car has cancer. I'm going to drive it to Mexico to see a experimental car doctor. I hope she can make it. I live in Hawaii.

I should have seen this coming. My astrologer girlfriend Pammy told me that my stars all burned out. My water sign is getting yellow and the moon is in my whore house. She told me to change a few things in my life but I didn't listen. I ignored her and now look at me. She told me to start acting like an army man and not to eat cold cuts. I did the opposite. I acted like an army man alright, but I ate cold cuts like they were going out of style. I even heated them up.

Who am I kidding? I didn't act like an army man. I thought acting like a army man was a stupid idea. It was beneath me. Now look at me.

Looks like I have to drink rocks and bowl a 250 to get out of this mess. I've never bowled more than a 189. But things are starting to look up. My ceiling needs work. It's cracked. Too much looking up.

Well I'm off to Mexico. Wish me luck.

-Louis

For God Sakes

So today is osama bin laden's 47th birthday. Now there are over 293,633,000 people living in this country. Most of which consider him the most wanted man in America. Yet, he's still alive and well. Not only that, the fucker let Russell Crowe walk. Lets get him!

Martha

Say what you want about this boring story. Fact is, she took it like a man!

Kong Loot - private eye

Low Chin China - 1942

I spotted the stranger holding the new sail for Sir John's ship, 'The Alcoura'. The secret map was woven into it. It was about 6:30 in the morning. I watched him for a while and then went for coffee. He'd be there when I got back. You could bet your finger on it. Easy for me to say. I have all my fingers. I have bet one toe.. . I know that because I now have two toes on my left foot. One toe too many. Not many people know that about me. Not many people want to.

It was 19:00, time to tell Porter what was going on. Porter is my house boy. Porter Rossi. I had to drive 20 miles to get to his house. Then another 88 to get to mine. I always wanted him to move closer. Although I never said it to his face.

At 22:00 I arrived at Porters house, he was gone. His house was ransacked. Piles of clothes littered the floor, his new lamp was missing. The one with the little rose that screwed in the top. I had one good clue, his head was in the dog bowl by the hamper. I figured he couldn't have gotten far.

At 23:00, I flew to Miami. First Class, strange name for a guy sitting right next to me in coach. I had a dog bowl in my suitcase and Porters head on my mind. We landed at 05:00. At 09:09 am the next day I rented a car. I drove down the boulevards. Got a lay of the land. Met some folks. I met Lambcouta. 'Lambcouta of the Jungle' is what they called him. At least that's how all the other Ofthejungle's referred to him. Their close nit. We talked of many things. Indians, poker. Then it dawned on me. I should have flown to Tucson.

I flew back to Tucson. The land of my youth? Nordfair Iceland. It was in Tucson when I caught up with Porter. He was on his death bed. I wanted to know where the map was so I knelt down next to his body and asked, "Where's the map Porter". A vein in his throat squirted out the name "DON' in puss on the wall. His feet never stopped dancing. He was dead.

There's so many Don's in the phone book! And their hard to find too because they alphabetize using the last name first in most cases. Makes it really hard.

Finally I have a lead... Chum Hin Love! I should have known.

Next week.

More to come...